The sun came out and just like that, it was spring.
I’d been waiting. So long.
Winter always seems the hardest.
I was eating regularly and sleep was a priority and strength dripped life slowly back into these fragile, anemic bones…yet I still felt just that – fragile.
I usually loved clouds but there was no break in them for the sun and I was breaking deep in my own stormy mind. It kept hitting me fresh – my apathy in the face of Christ’s agony and here I was stuck face down in the mud of my own self-pity. Who was I anyway?
He was breaking me piece by piece and there were hard conversations and tear-smeared pillowcases but there was grace. Always grace.
Monday night bible study and Dawn’s sweet words like hope in my tired days. Giant plates of sushi and teasing laughter and good conversation. Americanos and finished homework. Long bike rides and hot baths.
Grace. Little tastes of Him in the everyday moments.
And it came late morning on a Thursday – after several early mornings of sleepy bible reading and seemingly unfruitful prayer time – like the breaking of clouds, like sunshine on cold pavement:
The spirit-fog lifted.
“You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally. I don’t know about you, but I’m running hard for the finish line. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. No sloppy living for me! I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.” (1 Corinthians 9:24-27 MSG)
It came back like an old, familiar friend – this focus, this urgency for the kingdom of God.
What have I been doing??
Comparing myself and my doubts and my failures to His holiness and perfection…and here it was in front of me the whole time:
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God…” (Ephesians 2:8 NIV)
I wondered if I’d ever really learn that deep down.
But here He was reminding me again: It’s not about you! Silly you… It’s not about your life or your job or your future…it’s about ME. It’s about eternity and MY kingdom and how are you working towards that?
It’s not about yesterday and how you’re not all you thought you’d be and how you’ve messed this up again…it’s about who you are in ME and how you let ME work in and shine through you right now in this moment.
Okay, God. Help my unbelief.
It’s time to put down the self-pity and self-condemnation. It’s time for purpose once more, for focus, for kingdom living.
Sunshine pored through the blinds, spilling across my desk and into my spirit. Warmth, like life in these bones.